talked to my big brother peaceful happy flourishing. mood is through the roof

fellowship AND a stipend. babygirl i'm winning at this actually, i think

i got a fellowship lets GO

woke up at eight am and i wanna go to bed at. five pm. girl help

(drinking rootbeer) (thinks of my older brother) yay :)

feels like i ate cement

it won't come as a surprise to anyone. it was only ever really a matter of when, not if

kind of a relief to admit it to myself. it's bitterly swallowed but at least i have a direction to move in

yeah. i give up. i've been wrestling with this decision for the better part of a year and i can't live like this anymore

need to get back into cold and unaffected and detached, actually. life was a lot easier to drift by, haunting it like a ghost

how long? too long

i keep having crying jags because its bitterly painful to know if i killed myself theres only one person who would notice or care. nightmare

ok time to go write in my diary like the sad freak i am. smiley face and thumbs up

tempted to ruin my cardiac health again because at least the caffeine felt pleasant. even with the painful palpitations

Hello Big City. i would like the flavour of crippling depression that is 'lonely when not alone' as opposed to 'lonely and alone' atm

i guess it'll be a chance to reinvent myself. or develop crippling alcoholism and bleed out to death. yknow. either or

on that note *cranks up for king and country because im having a real normal one tonight*

its like how if i start listening to christian music again you know i am actively suicidal. religion as a comfortable crutch...

every time i get the slightest inclination to go to church i know IMMEDIATELY im about to have the mother of god of all crashouts

imagine if i started seriously going to church again