hmmmmm i can smell almonds … must be the cyanide

it’s so sunny i can see the specks of dust on ur mum’s ass

now i’m no brain surgeon but i have cracked open a pistachio or two in my time. and really, how different can it be?

just got an Edison phonograph. naming it Tesla

COOL THING ARRIVING TOMORROW (technically today but shhh)

hi could i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the difference between a samurai and a ninja is that traditionally a samurai attacks his opponents in plain view, but a ninja air-fries them

my crush will never see this, because she is a 197-year-old blind lady

i may be a virgin but i sure know how to get fucked

hi @gnat

playing the saxophone. just kidding, i don’t have a body

is this a fever or am i just having a fever dream

auraurauraurororoa borelis

remember, it’s never too late to stop the clock and thereby prevent it from getting too late

does anyone here know the muffin man? i’ve been meaning to get in touch regarding the muffin i bought from him, which has stopped working

i have an undocumented number of problems, and keeping track is probably one of them

Spanish people be pondering the immortality of the crab, but i wonder if crabs ever ponder the immortality of the Spanish

ok but literally the entire plot of The Little Mermaid could’ve been avoided if we never evolved to leave the ocean