“never let them know your next move,” i say, diving headfirst into the shallow end

Australia not being real is a lie we tell ourselves because the reality is too horrifying

congratulations, you’re queer AND profitable

the first cut is not necessarily the deepest. you can actually increase the depth of the cuts at any point if you like

currently trying to retroactively justify having bought a receipt printer

just watching the pendulums swing

nothing quite like listening to a mixtape of new indie music and thinking maybe the AI takeover should actually happen ASAP please

as Abraham Lincoln once said — ouch, i’ve just been assassinated

hmmmmm i can smell almonds … must be the cyanide

it’s so sunny i can see the specks of dust on ur mum’s ass

now i’m no brain surgeon but i have cracked open a pistachio or two in my time. and really, how different can it be?

just got an Edison phonograph. naming it Tesla

COOL THING ARRIVING TOMORROW (technically today but shhh)

hi could i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the difference between a samurai and a ninja is that traditionally a samurai attacks his opponents in plain view, but a ninja air-fries them

my crush will never see this, because she is a 197-year-old blind lady

i may be a virgin but i sure know how to get fucked

hi @gnat

playing the saxophone. just kidding, i don’t have a body

is this a fever or am i just having a fever dream